Flabby Brain » The Kids

We’re the Phone Company

flabbybrain — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 03:55:55 +0000

I recently discovered that Netflix offers instant streaming of one of my favorite childhood movies: The Incredible Shrinking Woman. So of course I had to watch it with my kids. The boy was deeply skeptical; he had recently watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and complained that he was tired of movies where people shrink. I explained to him that this “new” movie was an entirely different animal.

It does not suck.

If you’re not familiar with The Incredible Shrinking Woman, it is a 1981 comedy starring Lily Tomlin, a suburban housewife whose exposure to the unfortunately-named Sexpot perfume causes her to shrink slowly until the point of disappearance. Charles Grodin plays straight-man as her advertiser husband. (I mean straight-man in the classic comedy sense — the setup for the comic in a duo, like Martin was to Lewis.) Ned Beatty also stars, providing comic relief that is far more reined-in than his hilarious role as Otis in Superman three years earlier. And it needed to be subtle because Lily Tomlin rules this movie, playing not only the shrinking woman but her nosy neighbor, and, in a tiny cameo, reprises her role as Ernestine the telephone operator.

This cameo provoked great curiosity from my children. “What is she doing?” they asked, as Ernestine sat in front of a telephone switchboard and unplugged a line. “Why is that funny?”

We waited until the end of the movie to talk with them about the ancient history that had a) telephone switchboards, b) telephones with cords and dials on them, c) something called “long distance”, and d) a telephone monopoly that resulted in high expense, a low-quality product, and poor customer service.

After the history lesson we proceeded to YouTube (something they’ll no doubt have to explain to their own children as ancient history) and found some old Laugh In sketches of Ernestine. We loved this one:

But Tomlin delivered the coup de grâce to The Telephone Company with her hysterically funny ad on Saturday Night Live. “We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re The Phone Company.” You can catch it on Hulu at:

The technology has changed, but the humor still translates. My kids and I laughed until our sides hurt. I’m glad to have the internet because I never could have shown them the movie or the sketches without it.

And the best part is: now they sing the lyrics to “Galaxy Glue” with me! Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue.

Saturday Night on the Patio

flabbybrain — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 03:19:19 +0000

Have you ever played Brain Quest? It’s a game that contains a series of cards hinged on one corner. Each card contains questions to challenge a child’s skills and knowledge in spelling, math, geography and general knowledge. My 7-year-old and I had a great time playing with these cards tonight out on the patio.

She was cracking herself and me up. I wasn’t always sure when she was serious and when she was joking, and that was fair because she’s not always sure when I’m serious and when I’m joking. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: (reading) Fix this saying: “It’s raining cats and chickens.”

Her: Uh…”It’s raining water.”

Me: (reading) Is Europe a country or a continent?

Her: A continent!

Me: Good. What continent do we live on?

Her: North America!

Me: And in what country?

Her: Texas!

Me: No, Texas isn’t a country anymore. What country is Texas in?

Her: Uhhh…

Me: We pledge allegiance to it.

Her: Flag!

Me: …

Her: *giggling and falling over in chair* United States of America!

Me: What are the three main countries on North America? There’s the United States…

Her: Uhhh…Nexico?

Me: Nexico?

Her: *giggling* Mexico!

Me: And what’s the third one? It’s the one above us.

Her: Uhhh…it’s the one that looks like a pot with a handle?

Me: That’s Oklahoma. It starts with a “can.”

Her: Canada!

Me: (reading) I live in a pond and my name rhymes with “jog.” What am I?

Her: A beaver!

Me: Beaver rhymes with jog?

Her: *giggling* Hog!

Me: I suppose a hog could live in a pond, but they’re looking for “frog.” (reading) What letter can you add to “0-w” to spell the name of a bird?

Her: You need two letters. C-R.

Me: (mentally running through the alphabet…) You’re right. I think they made a mistake. (Check answer) Wait a minute, we’re supposed to put the letter on the end. It’s owl. (Yes, I’m a genius.)

Me: (reading) What do you call a word that takes the place of a noun?

Her: I don’t know.

Me: Me either. (Looking at answer). Oh. It’s a pronoun. (See above re: genius.) (Proceed to explain pronouns and use examples.)

Me: (reading) Dallas is a small city in California. True or false?

Her: False!

Me: Where is Dallas?

Her: *points due north*

Me: True. But I’m looking for the state name.

Her: Texas!

Me: (reading) Is China a country or a continent?

Her: A country!

Me: How about Africa?

Her: A continent!

Me: You already know more geography than most adults.

Me: (reading) Spell the opposite of “black.”

Her: K-C-A-L-B

Me: Well, they were looking for W-H-I-T-E, but I’m giving you extra credit on this one.

It went on like this until we noticed that our neighbors had their brand new lab puppy out in the front yard. We had to go play with him. His name is Charlie, and he’s chubby and white and seven weeks old. Joanie will be getting a friend!

My Little Conehead

flabbybrain — Tue, 10 May 2011 12:48:27 +0000

The ball of fur I adopted from the animal shelter decided it would be a good idea to wriggle her way through a wrought iron safety rail and jump four feet down onto a pile of river rocks in my back yard. She did not break any bones, but she did some damage to the spay the animal shelter had performed just five days earlier.

Consequently, her parental unit had to take her to the vet for a new surgery to repair the hernia she created.

This is the result.

Day Seven in the puppy adventure begins.

Dear Tooth Fairy

flabbybrain — Fri, 06 May 2011 02:53:27 +0000

Our first grader lost another tooth and found a new hobby. She is sending increasingly detailed questionnaires to the tooth fairy.

Here are the questions and answers.

Just so you know, I am not the tooth fairy. He is much funnier than I am.

Joanie

flabbybrain — Fri, 06 May 2011 02:18:17 +0000

I have a new toddler wandering around my house, putting her mouth on things it shouldn’t be on, whether it’s electrical cords, baseboards, or shoes, and struggling to discern the difference between my carpet and a toilet.

Her name is Joanie. We picked her up from Town Lake Animal Shelter on Tuesday afternoon.

She is named for another beautiful redhead, Miss Joan Holloway of Sterling Cooper.

She’s darling, and a ton of work. We’re enjoying her.

Dear toth fairy…

flabbybrain — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 04:25:24 +0000

My baby left a survey for the tooth fairy under her pillow tonight. I transcribe it below:

Dear tot-
h fairy
are you
real,
_____
“I hope
so,” be
cause
It too-
k a long
time…
For tha-
t toth
to come
out.
sign in
your na-
me
______
What
Do you
Do with
your th-
eth.
______
______
______
I hope
you Do
not eat
them!…
thank
you for
anser-
ing my
Quest-
ions

What does the tooth fairy do with children’s teeth? I told her I think she gives them to candy companies so that they can research how best to rot them.

I wonder what the tooth fairy will say. I can’t wait to find out!

Snow Day!

flabbybrain — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 17:09:32 +0000

My parents were in Antarctica last week.

At first I thought Dad was reliving the ’60s while Mom waved hello, but then I realized they’re making the number 7, as in seven continents now visited. Check out the penguins behind them! The fuzzy ones are babies. Mom says the weather was sunny, with temperatures hitting the 30′s. It’s summer there.

I went outside this morning in Austin, Texas to this:

We have our own little arctic wonderland in my backyard.

It’s officially colder here than in Antarctica, at least the part above the 65th parallel. Dad says not to worry, though. The scientists they talked to assured them that not only are the glaciers not receding, but that the continent is well-insulated from climate change because of a) the Antarctic current that runs all the way around it, pushing away warmer water, and b) the fact that almost all of the ice has land mass underneath it (which makes it different from the Arctic, where the ice floats on ocean).

The Boy has had a blast today sledding down the driveway on cardboard and making Gatorade snowcones. The Girl is enjoying SpongeBob on the couch as she recuperates from flu. She has ventured outside once, but prefers to enjoy the scenery through the window. Her fever is down, so I’m relieved about that.

Hope every one of you is staying warm and well!

The Bucket List

flabbybrain — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 02:33:44 +0000

Have you made your New Year’s resolutions? ‘Cause I haven’t. But I did find this gem of a book today as I was cleaning up. It’s called The Big Caring Book and Daisies Too and Missions and Chores.

Only it actually reads, The Big Caring Boog and Dasys to and mishons and chors, because my 6-year-old is its author.

My favorite part was about Missions and Chores. Here is the chore list:

Please note that only one chore is listed, and it is not checked off.

Now come the Missions, even, one might say, Resolutions:

1. Eat one gallon of ice cream. Check.

2. Plant a watermelon. Check.

3 – 12. To be determined.

And…

13. Heart stop beating.

14. Die.

My baby has already made her bucket list! I’ve been laughing all day.

Hope you’re having a happy 2011 so far.

The Truth About Santa Claus

flabbybrain — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 17:22:57 +0000

My kids wrote their letters to Santa weeks ago. For my six-year-old, it was a simple matter of sitting in front of the TV for half an hour and writing down the items that appeared in the commercials. This she did in checklist form:

Then she wrote the letter itself:

A couple of weeks ago she came home from school and said, “Mama, Anushka says there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. She says it’s the parents.” She looked at me expectantly for a moment, and then continued. “But I told her that it couldn’t be the parents because they would never buy all that stuff.”

How I laughed! I remember being a little child and thinking that it was a good thing I had Santa Claus, because my skinflint parents never got me more than one present at Christmas.

Her question got the wheels turning in my head. How does a parent deal with the loss of childhood magic?

That evening I had a girls’ night with some friends and posed the question of Santa Claus to them. It was a little bit of an odd question to ask because of the three of them, only one has a Santa Claus tradition. The other two are Jewish and Muslim, respectively.

The question turned into a really fun conversation. My Jewish friend said that she has told her girls “on pain of death” not to reveal anything about Santa Claus to their schoolmates. She said that she thinks Santa is a really fun tradition, and she herself loves the tooth fairy. “I believe in the tooth fairy whether my girls do or not!” And that’s a good way of looking at it, I think. I believe in Santa whether my kids do or not. Bless you, Natalie, for believing!

My Muslim friend said that when she was raised in Kuwait, she had an upstairs neighbor who was Christian. Every year he would dress up as Santa Claus and bring her a little gift. For years she believed in Santa Claus! They called him “Baba Noel”, which means Father Christmas. In Islam, Eid is the celebration following Ramadan, the month of fasting. My friend liked the idea of Santa so much that she invented “Baba Eid” to bring presents to her son after Ramadan. Isn’t that fun? She says her son believes there’s no such thing as “Baba Eid”, but she doesn’t care. Bless you, Mona, for believing!

My third friend homeschools, and so far her boys haven’t questioned the existence of Santa Claus. I suspect that when they do, Santa will still come to her house. Bless you, Deborah, for believing!

I’m very excited that the magic will be in our house this year. Two more days!

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

flabbybrain — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 17:14:39 +0000

The boy cracked me up this morning when he announced that he had an answer to the hypothetical question, “Who would you invite to dinner, dead or alive?” No one had asked him this question, but he busted out with an answer nonetheless.

In order it was:

1) Bill Gates,
2) Michael Dell,
3) Warren Buffett,
4) Ndamukong Suh,
5) Michael Jackson,
6) Johnny Cash, and
7) Jesus.

That would make for an interesting party.