Archive for the ‘The Kids’ Category

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The Dichotomy in my Living Room

June 25, 2010

My little daughter dumped all the money out of her purse onto the living room carpet this morning. It was mostly coins and one-dollar bills. She counted slowly and carefully. Her brother poked his hand in periodically, trying to sneak away a coin or two when she wasn’t looking. When she did look at him, he tried to invent a multi-dollar fine she could pay him for some imagined slight.

She finished and looked up at me. “I have $18.”

Then she smiled. “Today is Friday, so that means allowance day.”

“That’s true,” I said.

“I don’t really need all this money,” she said. “Dad didn’t know what our allowance was this one time, and he gave us a dollar, and I thought that was fine. You should give us a dollar for allowance instead of five dollars.”

As I mulled this over, her brother frantically shook his head.

And the amazing thing is, the girl knows the difference between one and five dollars, and she’s not kidding. She’d be happy to take less. Ever since she could talk, she’s been blowing my mind on a regular basis with little gestures that show her unselfish nature.

I cannot figure out where it comes from. How did this child spring from my loins?

Meanwhile, my boy walks around giving stock tips. Remember how he told everyone at the Iowa wedding on June 12th not to buy BP yet? It opened at $34.05 that day. Today it closed at $27.02.

Now he contends that Procter & Gamble is doomed to fail. I have no idea where he’s getting that from, but I’m mildly nervous. I like my Bounce and Bounty, my Dawn and Duracell, my Cascade and CoverGirl. I need Tide and Gillette and Crest and Secret.

O, belovéd consumer staples provider, I’d be lost without you. Why must my little child sound the herald of your demise?

But seriously, where is he getting that from?

I may be living with Warren Buffett. And his unselfish sister.

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Translating

June 22, 2010

Today was the first day of our home summer-school. It’s an annual fantasy for me that I’ll supplement my children’s educations during the summer so that they’ll be fluent in history, conversant in ancient and modern languages, whizzes at math, and just all-around baby geniuses. Annually the fantasy peters out because:

a) I am none of these things myself and

b) it’s summer and I just want to goof off with them.

This year I decided we’d work on handwriting and basic math skills, which in the boy’s case means memorizing the multiplication tables. We’re only one day in, but this feels like a realistic goal. We just work a few minutes and then goof off, which is my m. o. for life in general.

Afterward I started reading Journey to the Center of the Earth to them. I consider reading novels to the kids to be entertainment rather than homeschooling. It’s a habit I picked up around the time my youngest was two, when I thought I might die if I had to read The Lorax for the thirty-second night in a row. I had reached the point where I was trying out a variety of foreign accents on the various characters in the book just to keep from falling asleep.

Me (doing bad, nasal Australian): Moi name is the Lorax, oi speak for tha trees…

Boy: Mooooooooooom! Stop doing that!

Shortly thereafter I picked up Little House in the Big Woods, and a new habit was born. We tore through all of Laura Ingalls Wilder, C. S. Lewis, most of J. K. Rowling (until she got too scary), a little of Robert Louis Stevenson, and so many others that I’ve forgotten what all we’ve read. They even loved Geraldine McCaughrean’s excellent translations of The Iliad and The Odyssey. (Truthfully, *loved* is a bit strong for the girl; war and mythology isn’t her bag. But the boy loved it.) The only failure was Dickens, who turned out to be too complicated for me to translate on the fly, which is what I call explaining the meanings of complex words and concepts without disrupting the story flow too much.

I was inspired to re-encounter Jules Verne after watching the execrable movie, Journey to the Center of the Earth, starring Brendan Fraser. I remembered the book, which I read as a kid, as being much better.

I also recalled it as an easy read. I thought it would be fun to read aloud.

And it sort of is. But 19th-century British English that is peppered with scientific jargon is not particularly easy to follow if you happen to be American and eight years old — or worse, six — and I’m finding myself translating more than I had anticipated.

Here’s a relatively simple passage:

Fancy to yourself a tall, spare man, with an iron constitution, and a juvenile fairness of complexion, which took off a full ten years of his fifty. His large eyes rolled about incessantly behind his great goggles; his long thin nose resembled a knife-blade; malicious people declared it was magnetised, and attracted steel filings — a pure calumny; it attracted nothing but snuff, but to speak truth, a superabundance of that. When I have added that my uncle made mathematical strides of three feet at every step, and marched along with his fists firmly clenched — a sign of an impetuous temperament — you will know enough of him not to be overanxious for his company.

My translation on the fly (which was interspersed with the actual text):

Imagine a tall, thin man who’s tough and who has light skin that makes him look 40 when he’s actually 50. He wears glasses and looks around a lot, and has a thin nose that reminds people of a knife. Mean people say it’s like a magnet that attracts iron filings but that’s not true. But he does inhale a lot of snuff, which was a form of tobacco that people used to snort. (Wondering to self, should I not have said that? This is one trouble with translating on the fly — sometimes I’m midway through something before realizing it may not be age-appropriate.) The man would walk exactly three feet with every step, and he made fists all the time like he might get into a fight. So the narrator, the guy who is talking, is a little bit scared to talk to this man, his uncle, who has just called him into his office.

As you can imagine, it’s pretty slow going to read this stuff. I usually read as much of the text as I can and try to limit translation to the bare minimum to keep the story moving. My goal is for them to make it to high school undaunted by any “classic” book thrown at them because they’ve encountered something like it before. What could be scary about reading The Iliad, for example, when you’ve known it since you were five?

Here’s a tougher passage:

The name of Lidenbrock [the uncle] was consequently mentioned with honour in gymnasiums and national associations. Humphry Davy, Humboldt, and Captains Franklin and Sabine, paid him a visit when they passed through Hamburg. Becqueul, Ebolmann, Brewster, Dumas, Milne-Edwards, Sainte Clarice Deville, took pleasure in consulting him on the most stirring questions of chemistry, a science which was indebted to him for discoveries of considerable importance; and in 1853 a treatise on Transcendent Crystallography by Professor Otto Lidenbrock, was published at Leipsic, a large folio, with plates, which did not pay its cost, however. Moreover, my uncle was curator of the Museum of Mineralogy, belonging to M. Struve, the Russian ambassador, a valuable collection, of European celebrity.

Translation:

A bunch of scientists really respected the uncle, and he even published a book, but it didn’t sell very well. But he’s in charge of a rock museum, so that’s cool.

My boy loves rocks.

We made it through 12 pages, which was a pretty good start. I’m having fun with it so far, even though we’re still a ways away from the actual journey.

Later that afternoon the kids were amusing themselves outside when their father called.

The Big M: What are the kids up to?

Me: They’re outside playing with the hose.

The Big M: *awkward silence*

Me: *silence, followed by dawning realization that he may have transposed the letters “s” and “e” in “hose”*

Me: The water hose.

The Big M: *relieved* That’s good, ’cause I was kind of shocked that you would call the girls that.

(“The girls” are the sweet little six- and eight-year-old girls next door that are our children’s friends and frequent playmates.)

Me: I would never say that.

And I wouldn’t. But it was another reminder this afternoon that language is a tricky thing. Sometimes it introduces complications we weren’t expecting.

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Our Family Vacation, Part 2

June 15, 2010

We made it safely back after putting 3,245 miles on the Family Truckster in a mere 9 days, which averages out to a daily drive from Austin, Texas to Norman, Oklahoma.

I can’t believe I’m able to write this truthfully, but the kids were awesome. They were *way* better behaved than I was on family vacations growing up. In fact, I think they were probably better behaved than I was on this family vacation. Mama suffered a coffee shortage.

In all those miles they only watched 3 or 4 movies. The rest of the time they played together, sang together, looked out the window, and just generally got along. It was crazy. Not once did The Big M and I joke about putting a bubble dome over the kids’ section of the car, a la The Homer. And we used to joke about that a lot.

The Homer

More memorable moments:

  • Getting a personalized walking tour of the University of Illinois from my father-in-law, an alumnus who hadn’t been back to campus in 37 years
  • Ending our driving tour of the campus when my father-in-law decided to take off down a sidewalk (which, to be fair, was unpopulated, wide enough for a vehicle, and possibly a street 37 years ago) (and also, to be fair, was hilarious)
  • Hanging out with the siblings- and parents-in-law and nieces and nephew who separately drove up from Texas
  • Reuniting with The Big M’s Iowa relatives
  • Reacquainting ourselves with the major food groups of Iowa: roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn, and pizza
  • Having taco pizza (taco meat, lettuce, tomatoes, and crushed Doritos), Reuben pizza (sauerkraut and Canadian bacon), and breakfast pizza (eggs, bacon, and cheese)
  • Eating chocolate pie at Bishop’s cafeteria
  • Taking my little daughter for her very first mani/pedi, where she chose the delightful color combination of alternating pastel green and blue for her nails
  • Discovering that her nails actually match most of her clothes now
  • Finding out at the rehearsal dinner that a modular home company I’ve been interested in learning more about is not only building a home for a cousin, but has a factory located in the very town where we were eating
  • And they give factory tours
  • Which the bride used to give
  • And which I missed by a few hours, hours during which I slept late, got a mani/pedi with my daughter, and ate chocolate pie
  • Feeling like an idiot for missing said factory tour because I have toyed with the idea of taking a vacation to a town near one of the factories just to take a tour
  • Spending part of the wedding day touring the model homes outside of the closed factory
  • Spending another part taking the kids to the Field of Dreams in Dyersville
  • And then to Happy Joes for more taco pizza
  • Dancing that night at the wedding with my husband to the first slow song
  • Trying to keep from laughing as we danced because the song was Conway Twitty’s “I Can Tell You’ve Never Been This Far Before
  • Meeting a couple of awesome great aunts of my husband’s at the wedding
  • Watching my 8-year-old son give stock tips outside the reception hall (“I’d wait on BP,” he says.)
  • Driving back to the hotel with the stereo turned up and all of us singing our vacation anthem, “Hey Soul Sister” by Train, at the top of our lungs while thousands of fireflies sparkled above the cornfields
  • Enjoying Sunday breakfast (and breakfast pizza) at Aunt Bonnie’s house with all the relatives
  • Feeling astonished that the little daughter who never wants to be apart from Mama begged to stay behind with Aunt Bonnie and all of her newly discovered cousins
  • Driving through the Kansas prairie as night fell, admiring the incredible scenery of lightning dancing over endless plains
  • Driving through flooding in Wichita, Kansas and barely making it through the blinding rain and darkness to our hotel
  • Which was on The Waterfront
  • Asking for an upper floor at the hotel in case flooding got out of hand in the middle of the night
  • Discovering the next morning that The Waterfront was a half-acre man-made pond
  • Driving through Oklahoma City on the day of record rainfall — 10 inches — flooding the city
  • Feeling grateful that we weren’t flooded ourselves, and only had to be diverted off of I-35 once
  • Singing “Hey Soul Sister” at the top of our lungs as we crossed the border into Texas
  • Pulling into our driveway five hours later, grateful to be home

We had a great trip and built a lot of memories. Pictures still to come.

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Our Family Vacation

June 9, 2010

We’ve made it nearly 1,500 miles through five states in five days, and so far the family vacation has been a blast, ticks notwithstanding. I was worried about pulling off this itinerary with two relatively little kids, but they have been awesome. I mean really, truly, exceptional. I’m bragging on them while I can because the trip home — 18 hours of driving in two days — will be brutal.

Interesting moments of the last few days include:

  • Getting a Turkish-style bath in Hot Springs, Arkansas
  • Eating at an awesome dive bar/burger joint in Hot Springs where the regulars greeted us as welcome guests
  • Watching my 8-year-old son battle wits with a docent at The Hermitage in Tennessee (Guide: How do you think they made this color of paint for the walls? Son: They used materials from the plantation grounds. Guide, amazed: That’s correct.)
  • Seeing Trisha Yearwood perform at The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville
  • Missing the last third of Trisha’s set because my daughter had a nosebleed
  • Watching Corvettes roll off the assembly line in Bowling Green, Kentucky
  • Hiking through a section of Mammoth Cave, and checking off a second national park for the trip
  • Holding my daughter during the extended lights-out portion of the cave tour, a time that was really, freakily, utterly black
  • Realizing after the black-out portion of the tour that a middle-aged woman had had a particularly smelly accident in her pants
  • Feeling gratitude that I was not said middle-aged woman
  • Resisting the urge to mention this commercial after said accident
  • Trying White Castle sliders for the first time after our cave tour
  • Throwing away White Castle sliders after two bites
  • Wondering if lady on cave tour had eaten White Castle sliders prior to tour
  • Checking into a very ritzy, posh, chic hotel in, of all places, Evansville, Indiana
  • Paying about a third of what one would expect to pay at an equivalent hotel in a major city
  • Realizing that said hotel was probably so ritzy because it is attached to a casino
  • Lounging in plushy white bathrobe after showering in fancy four-head shower and watching my precious children sleep in the bed next to mine while their daddy checks out the casino
  • Having no urge to gamble because I suck at it. Example: I would have bet money that the Canadian sorority girl whining about needing to pee before our two-hour cave tour with no bathroom stops would have had an accident before anyone else. And I would have been wrong.
  • And finally, an interesting moment that occurred while I was writing this post: watching my husband recount how he lost $200 at the craps table in his hour at the casino only to follow up by nailing quad deuces at video poker and cashing out a $2,000 jackpot. Woo-hoo! Free trip!

Even before that last point we were having an awesome trip. I’m looking forward to posting pictures once we get home.

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I’m a Real Tick Magnet

June 7, 2010

This was the view from the back porch of our cabin near Hot Springs, Arkansas.

Those woods are lovely, aren’t they? They totally sucked me in.

Daddy suggested that the kids watch a movie in the cabin during our afternoon rest time. Oh no, I insisted. We need to walk on the trail through these lovely woods first.

We’re tired, and it’s 95 degrees out, Dad persisted, with maddening rationality. I glared at him. I do *not* want my children sitting inside watching a movie when we could be walking through the woods.

I’m not always responsive to rationality.

So we hiked. And it was really freaking hot. By the time we found ourselves beside the little stock pond watching a crew of day-old baby ducks hanging out in the shade, I had come around to his point of view. But the ducks proved to be a bigger draw than a movie in air-conditioning, and it took a good while to get the kids back to the cabin. Meanwhile, my handsome husband sat calmly in the grass, herding our children away from the steep pond edge, ignoring the Arkansas sun pounding on us, and smiling at me without malice.

And this is one of the big reasons I love him: he’s not the “I told you so” type.

It was just as well, because I got mine later. And am still getting it.

Ticks. Horrible little blood-sucking arachnids. The buggers have been crawling on me for two days. I found my first two while cooling off in the cabin. I crushed them and immediately took a hot shower and put on fresh clothes. That night I woke up to the feel of one crawling on my neck. I crushed it, and took a long, hot bath the next morning and put on clean clothes.

And just now I found another dang tick on my ankle. So I’m going to go take another shower. And put on an outfit from my dwindling supply of clean clothes.

Rest assured that the kids and husband are tick-free. This is all on me.

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It’s a Round-Letter Day

May 17, 2010

Friday morning I made my bleary-eyed zombie walk to the living room to hustle the kids into the car for school. My little Kindergartener was still wearing her p.j.’s, but with a skirt on top.

“Baby, why aren’t you dressed?”

“Mo-o-om! It’s “O” Day. You know? Crazy Outfit Day?”

As the days of school count down, her Kindergarten class is counting down with the alphabet. Each day they do something related to the letter they’re on. Thursday was “M” day. They were watching a movie during rest time. I knew this because I had brought the popcorn.

“Huh. Yesterday was M… Okay. Put on your shoes,” I said.

Five minutes after I dropped her off I got a call from the teacher.

“Hi … I have a little girl here who’s very upset because she’s the only one wearing a crazy outfit. Crazy Outfit Day is Monday. Can you bring her a change of clothes?”

I did. And I laughed at myself the rest of the morning for forgetting the letter N. The synapses don’t fire too quickly before 8 a.m.

This morning my girl was wearing an inside-out turquoise pajama top, inside-out and backwards tan pants, a red plaid miniskirt, and mismatched pink socks. On her hands.

“Would you like me to do your hair in a bunch of crazy piggy tails?”

“Mo-o-om!” She screwed up her face in her most irritated look, one that will have to suffice until she masters the preteen art of the eye roll. “That would look bad!”

Of course it would. So much for my early-morning ideas.

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Our Avatars

May 10, 2010

I like writing down conversations we have in our little family, but I’m getting bored with calling my kids “The Boy” and “The Girl.” I could call them Jacob and Emily* but I thought it’d be more fun to create avatars for all of us.

You’ve already seen mine:

Now here’s The Boy:

And The Girl:

And of course, The Big M:

I have this fantasy that I can recreate all the conversations I have with my kids in cartoon form. They’re much funnier in my head that way. The next step is to figure out how to re-scale everyone so we can have avatars talking instead of pseudonyms.

More to come.

________________________

*Jacob was the top boy baby name in 2001, and Emily was the top girl baby name in 2004.

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Trying to Do the Right Thing

April 29, 2010

My little six-year-old darling was picking up trash off the school grounds with her Daisy Scout troop this afternoon when she came upon a $20 bill. It was a cause for much celebration and excitement. She was the heroine of her little group.

And then I made her turn it in to the office on the off chance that someone comes in asking about it.

We didn’t even discuss it. I just took her into the office and turned in the money and watched her little face crumble. And felt instantly like I had made a mistake. But of course it was too late to back out with the principal in front of me and the money handed over.

I don’t regret giving the rightful owner a chance to claim the money, but I do regret the way I handled things in turning it in. I took my sobbing little girl home and held her in my lap and talked about why I had done what I had done, how there could be another little girl sobbing at home right now because she had lost the $20 her parents had given her for something at school, and how grateful she would be that another child turned it in. Then I apologized to her for not giving her a chance to hold onto her find for a little bit to show it to Daddy, and for not discussing with her the right thing to do before just doing it. I asked her to forgive me, and without hesitation, through her sobs, she said, “I forgive you, Mama. I love you.” And I felt worse. I asked how I could make it up to her.

We had a good afternoon afterward. We talked about finally instituting an allowance so the kids can have spending money that they don’t find on the ground, and I painted her toenails sparkly pink, and she got to watch that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa does a science experiment to prove that a hamster is smarter than her brother. She seems content.

One thing about parenting that never fails to amaze me is how sometimes even when you have what looks like a clear-cut path in front of you, you can feel like you made the wrong turn. I guess that’s true for life in general, but the stakes seem higher with kids. I really don’t want to screw this up.

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Talking with The Boy

April 27, 2010

Just had this conversation:

The Boy: Do you think when I run the timed mile that I should wear boots?

Me: Why would you wear boots?

TB: Like the army men do.

Me: They wear combat boots, not cowboy boots.

TB: What are combat boots?

Me: They lace up.

TB: One of the kids in my class, his mom is in … what’s that thing called that’s like the army but they stay here?

Me: The National Guard?

TB: Yeah. The National Guard. She’s in the National Guard and she has those boots.

Me: So his mother wears combat boots?

TB: Yeah. I’m gonna go ride my scooter.

That cracked me up. Times have changed!

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David is Home

April 8, 2010

For those of you who have been following baby David’s story, I wanted to let you know that he is home with his parents and siblings. I saw him yesterday, and he looked very well, all things considered. His mom says that although he still has many future surgeries, he’s healing much better now that he’s back with his family again. He shows a great deal of strength and determination. So does she!

Please keep this family in your prayers.

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